What is worthiness?

I’ve been thinking a lot about worthiness lately. The mental health and wellness algorithm desperately wants us to feel worthy. Worthy of success, of money, of love, of friendship. But what is it? What is this thing we call worthiness? And why do so many of us feel so utterly unworthy of the fruits of life? 

I think about the people who I would most likely point to as people whom I see as feeling “worthy” and I think about what I see. I don’t see their feelings about themselves, I see their behavior. I see the way they freely say no. I see the way they protect and value their energy and time. I see the balance they strike between kindness, gentleness and responsibility and action. I see an unwillingness to perform for others. I see a willingness to acknowledge when they are wrong. I see a person who knows the truth of their being, who knows what they value, what they believe, what their strengths and weaknesses are and their ability to be honest and accountable about that. 

And this is the scariest part about learning to, first and foremost, see yourself as worthy. To begin to see yourself as worthy, and eventually feel it in your bones, you have to start acting like it... what comes up for you when you read that? I’ll tell you what came up for me when I wrote it - fear. Fear of who I would have to disappoint, piss off or set a boundary with. Fear of what ideas about myself I would have to give up. Even fear of life blossoming open on the other side of worthiness!

See, the deepest truth about worthiness is that it means that you are allowed TO SIMPLY EXIST AS YOU ARE. You are allowed to have the feelings that you have, to make the mistakes that you make, to learn, to have the needs that you have, to have the desires that you have, to express your opinion, to be creative…it is the whole reason you are here! 

I think one of the reasons why I have been thinking a lot about this concept is that the word “worthy” implies deserving. Living within a capitalistic and patriarchal structure, especially right now, that idea is completely warped. Culturally we are conditioned within a society that treats people as deserving depending upon whether or not they have “worked hard enough” or “are pretty enough” or “able enough” or “have a lot of money” or are “visibly successful”. The word “worthy” almost rings with disgust in my nervous system. So I tried taking the concept of self-worth completely out of the conditioned narrative and ultimately what I found there was…basic humanity.  

Think about the last time you were with a baby, maybe even an infant. How did you feel about that baby’s worthiness of existing? I would be willing to bet that you automatically and without question felt a deep sense of “this baby belongs” along with excitement for what this baby might discover about themself and the world. There is no fundamental reason for this to change in any way as a baby grows into a child and then into an adult and then an ageing adult, other than destructive, exploitative, fear based ideas about what is “enough” or “acceptable”. 

Consider that the mere fact that you are alive on the planet means that life is asking you to explore the fullness of your existence. To go out there and get messy and see what works and what doesn’t. It’s actually the whole point. To be. To experiment. This is not a solo endeavor either. We do this exploration with each other. We couldn’t do it alone. We need each other. We need each other to be well so that all of us can be well.

Inner Alchemy: Where to Start

As with most therapeutic processes, learning how to begin alchemizing your own emotional and cognitive energy starts with awareness of what is going on internally. And cultivating awareness is a process in and of itself. Collectively, we have been conditioned to disconnect from our bodies and each other in service of capitalistic, heteropatriarchal and religious structures and systems instead of consciously engaging with them. There is a reason for this. If we were to consciously engage with these systems, and really feel the impact of them in our minds, hearts and bodies, we likely would have a lot of questions and concerns! We may want to change the status quo, which to larger systems is quite threatening. And so, awareness is where we begin.

To start building awareness, it is important to dedicate time to check in with ourselves regularly on all levels: physical, emotional, psychological, social and spiritual. In practice, this will look different for everyone in terms of frequency, location, time spent, etc. Though typically, it requires a few minutes of quiet time where you will not be disturbed and asking yourself the following questions:

How does my physical body feel right now? Where am I holding tension? Where do I feel disconnected? How is my digestion?

How does my heart feel right now? Is it heavy or light? Soft or hard? Open or closed? If I were to name one emotion that I am feeling, what would it be?

What is the quality of my thinking right now? Negative, positive or neutral? Scattered and/or blocked or flowing? Am I engaged in a lot of worry? Are my thoughts urgent, pressured or racing?

How do I feel about my relationships right now? How do I feel about the world in general?

Do I feel connected to something larger than me, my ancestors, lineage and/or to those who I love who have passed?

Once you have a good handle on the truth of your experience (this does require radical honesty with yourself!) you can then decide to focus on one discovery that you have made and begin to work with it alchemically. (*Also, please be kind to yourself if this is a difficult thing for you. In the beginning, it is extremely common to not have clear answers to these questions. Be patient with yourself <3). 

For example, let’s say I do a check in and find that my heart feels heavy and weary. I may turn to a meditation practice like Tonglen to ease some of that heaviness. Tonglen is a meditation practice where you breathe into the pain you are experiencing while holding in your awareness all the people in the world who are likely experiencing that same feeling and breathing out comfort, love and ease for yourself and the world. This could be followed with a mantra such as: even though I am experiencing a moment of suffering right now, I choose to also remember my own goodness and the goodness of others. 

It is important to remember that inner alchemy does not mean “getting rid of” suffering, it is the process of learning how to be with it compassionately and gently so that the energy can move through you and transform, bringing your body and nervous system back into equilibrium so that you can engage in the things and with the people that are important to you. Over time, you will gain an intimate understanding of your internal landscape and what works for you, making this process less effortful and more like second nature.

How about trying a check in with yourself right now?